Bush warned that the end times will be upon us...just as soon as he gets some brush cleared at his ranch and teaches himself how to play the harmonica - two other items on his list of New Year's resolutions.

Ironically, it is the fact that Bush reads at a second-grade level that is the only cause for hope in this crisis, said presidential historian Isaac Feinstein.

"Frankly, I'd be sh******g my pants if it weren't for the fact that Bush's apocalyptic resolution is number four on the list, right behind his goal of reading his first chapter book," Feinstein said. "He has expressed interest in attempting a Harry Potter book. That could literally take forever for our mentally challenged Commander in Chief."

Bush said he might have to resort to some of the tricks he used in college that helped him pull straight C's at Harvard and Yale.

"I'll just make sure I pick a book with Cliff Notes," he said. "All of those words and sentences give me a headache. I just want to see my personal savior kick evil's ass once and for all."

Satire republished, courtesy of freepressed.com
http://www.freepressed.com

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