PAKISTANI SCIENTIST OPENS "RETAIL NUCLEAR WEAPONS CHAIN"
Abdul Qadeer Khan, the father of Pakistan's nuclear bomb, has announced he is opening a world wide chain of nuclear weapons retail outlets.
The stores will feature nuclear weapons and related supplies for "everyone from the lone suicidal maniac to the experienced proliferator," Khan explained in a news conference yesterday. "Reprocessed plutonium, safety goggles, forged travel documents, they'll all be on the shelves of our gleaming new stores." Khan said that each store will also offer family amenities such as "an upscale coffee shop and a play room for the kids."
"Indian propaganda"
The new business venture is a further embarrassment to the tottering government of Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, who recently pardoned Khan for his apparently extensive efforts to spread weapons of mass destruction around the globe. "We have nothing to do with it," insisted a Musharraf spokesman about the new retail chain. The spokesman denied reports that missile tubes in the chain's new Karachi store are stamped with the legend "Government of Pakistan," characterizing the stories as "feeble Indian propaganda."
Business experts are cautiously optimistic that Khan will be able to deliver for investors. "The markets recognize that there's a huge unmet demand for plutonium-bearing munitions," said Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush, Professor of Sinecures at Oxford University. "I would expect Khan's IPO to have significant success." However, Khan is already experiencing marketing difficulties. He had initially named the store "The Avenging Fury of Allah's Radioactive Sword," but "this name has turned off some consumers in the West," noted prominent business analyst Erica Gadd. "Khan is reportedly considering something a little more down-to-earth, like 'A.Q.'s Fruity Bomb Basket,' for US operations or possibly 'Iqeda' for stores in Europe."
"Jihad"
The US and European operations would also reflect other local differences, featuring the same merchandise, but with exotic sounding names like `Kahuta', (art deco stationery kit at $50 each), 'Brahmin' (office recliner at $600 each) and `Jihad' (Intercontinental nuclear missiles, set of three, $1,000,000), the latter coming complete with "Haal" beechwood command and control centre and the "Jericho" tungsten steel payload storage system.
Initial sales reports for the grand opening in Karachi are impressive. "It's been booming all day," said Mohammed Sanji, store manager. "Geddit?" Sanji added with a chuckle, jabbing this reporter in the ribs with a lightly glowing metal rod. "We pride ourselves on our sense of humor here at 'The Avenging Fury.'" "The gas centrifuges are practically walking out of here," said Nasrullah Ahmed, a check-out clerk, shaking his head in amazement. "I think the free pound of C-4 explosive we're giving with every purchase of over 10,000 rupees has really brought out a crowd."
"muddy cave"
Customers seemed to love the new store. "It's so convenient - I just left the kids to pray in the mini-mosque while I shop for remote controlled detonators," said one, who asked not to be identified. Others like the look and feel of the store. "I'm usually transacting my business in a muddy cave or burnt-out warehouse, so you can imagine how welcome it is to have functioning lighting and recirculating air," said another, who identified himself only as "a Kashmiri patriot."
Whatever early success the new venture has, Erica Gadd noted that things will not get easier for Khan in the months ahead. "The North Koreans are rumored to be launching a chain of their own, and this one will carry all manner of weapons of mass destruction, not just the nuclear variety." Hackenbush dismissed the North Korean threat as "insubstantial." "Let's face it, these people's idea of brand identification is to slap a picture of Kim Jong-Il on everything. It will take them at least five years to straighten out their advertising problems."
"Murrow"
For more satire (?) from The Brains Trust, plese visit:
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk
Related article
MI6 KNOWS THIS BLOKE DOWN THE PUB
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.74.3035.html
Abdul Qadeer Khan, the father of Pakistan's nuclear bomb, has announced he is opening a world wide chain of nuclear weapons retail outlets.
The stores will feature nuclear weapons and related supplies for "everyone from the lone suicidal maniac to the experienced proliferator," Khan explained in a news conference yesterday. "Reprocessed plutonium, safety goggles, forged travel documents, they'll all be on the shelves of our gleaming new stores." Khan said that each store will also offer family amenities such as "an upscale coffee shop and a play room for the kids."
"Indian propaganda"
The new business venture is a further embarrassment to the tottering government of Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, who recently pardoned Khan for his apparently extensive efforts to spread weapons of mass destruction around the globe. "We have nothing to do with it," insisted a Musharraf spokesman about the new retail chain. The spokesman denied reports that missile tubes in the chain's new Karachi store are stamped with the legend "Government of Pakistan," characterizing the stories as "feeble Indian propaganda."
Business experts are cautiously optimistic that Khan will be able to deliver for investors. "The markets recognize that there's a huge unmet demand for plutonium-bearing munitions," said Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush, Professor of Sinecures at Oxford University. "I would expect Khan's IPO to have significant success." However, Khan is already experiencing marketing difficulties. He had initially named the store "The Avenging Fury of Allah's Radioactive Sword," but "this name has turned off some consumers in the West," noted prominent business analyst Erica Gadd. "Khan is reportedly considering something a little more down-to-earth, like 'A.Q.'s Fruity Bomb Basket,' for US operations or possibly 'Iqeda' for stores in Europe."
"Jihad"
The US and European operations would also reflect other local differences, featuring the same merchandise, but with exotic sounding names like `Kahuta', (art deco stationery kit at $50 each), 'Brahmin' (office recliner at $600 each) and `Jihad' (Intercontinental nuclear missiles, set of three, $1,000,000), the latter coming complete with "Haal" beechwood command and control centre and the "Jericho" tungsten steel payload storage system.
Initial sales reports for the grand opening in Karachi are impressive. "It's been booming all day," said Mohammed Sanji, store manager. "Geddit?" Sanji added with a chuckle, jabbing this reporter in the ribs with a lightly glowing metal rod. "We pride ourselves on our sense of humor here at 'The Avenging Fury.'" "The gas centrifuges are practically walking out of here," said Nasrullah Ahmed, a check-out clerk, shaking his head in amazement. "I think the free pound of C-4 explosive we're giving with every purchase of over 10,000 rupees has really brought out a crowd."
"muddy cave"
Customers seemed to love the new store. "It's so convenient - I just left the kids to pray in the mini-mosque while I shop for remote controlled detonators," said one, who asked not to be identified. Others like the look and feel of the store. "I'm usually transacting my business in a muddy cave or burnt-out warehouse, so you can imagine how welcome it is to have functioning lighting and recirculating air," said another, who identified himself only as "a Kashmiri patriot."
Whatever early success the new venture has, Erica Gadd noted that things will not get easier for Khan in the months ahead. "The North Koreans are rumored to be launching a chain of their own, and this one will carry all manner of weapons of mass destruction, not just the nuclear variety." Hackenbush dismissed the North Korean threat as "insubstantial." "Let's face it, these people's idea of brand identification is to slap a picture of Kim Jong-Il on everything. It will take them at least five years to straighten out their advertising problems."
"Murrow"
For more satire (?) from The Brains Trust, plese visit:
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk
Related article
MI6 KNOWS THIS BLOKE DOWN THE PUB
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.74.3035.html